Bloodsuckers Inc.

My name is Stan and I am a vampire.

Oh, don’t look at me like that, the concept of vampirism is nothing new,
recreational blood drinking dates back to the time of Jesus who
single-handedly fuelled vampirism for centuries. Most Christians would
send me to the chair for saying that but look at the evidence –
“ he who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life”. Hell he
was even promoting cannibalism. “He who eats my flesh and drinks my
blood dwells in me, and I in him”, he couldn’t have been clearer if he’d
tried and every Sunday up and down the country and left and right
across the world people are queuing up to drink transubstantiated blood
in a recreation of intimacy with the Lamb of God. So really, don’t look
at me like that. There’s more too, not only did Jesus Christ promote
drinking human blood as a means to eternal life but he rose from the grave
too just like Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee, and with just
as much theatrics, I know, because I was there.

Anyway, now that we know where we stand we can get on.